On Codependency & Enmeshment

This past Sunday I attended a meeting of the San Francisco Bay area support group Willows in the Wind (see previous post on Willows for more information) and the issue of codependency and enmeshment came up.  As some parents hadn’t been exposed to these terms, I thought I would do some research on the terms and add them to this post.  As with most of the terms defined in this blog, the amount of information on these subjects is huge. What I have done is select a few reference sources that I found helpful.

But before I go on, I’d like to explain why understanding these concepts may be important to you. If you are a parent reading this blog, most likely your family is or has been in deep pain – I know that we have been. One way to look at the concepts of “codependency” and “enmeshment” is that they address those parts of ourselves and our families that can keep us in pain and can keep us from moving forward. By understanding your family’s tendencies, in my opinion, you become a better parent and are, therefore, in a better position to support your family’s needs.

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Codependency

I became aware of the term codependent in the 80’s as I was told that I could be a “codependent”.   What I didn’t realize at the time was that this was a relatively new term.

Per Answer.com (http://www.answers.com/topic/co-dependent), the word origin of “codependence” is 1987,

“In the 1980s, even if we did not wake up with a hangover, we learned that waking up next to a significant other (1953) with a hangover is a hangup in itself. The hangup of the non-addicted is addiction to the addicted. Get it?

If that’s confusing, maybe we needed a new word. So we put it this way: In such a situation, we suffer from a condition known as codependency or codependence. That is what we learned from the 1987 publication of Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More, along with countless articles on the subject. We discovered that we had grown up in dysfunctional families (1981), where one of the adults was addicted to a substance like alcohol or drugs or to a behavior like gambling, sex, watching television, or even exercise, and the other adult was addicted to the addict. By helping the addicted one get through the day, the non-addicted family members were being codependent.

Since so many people can be said to exhibit some sort of addictive behavior, we discovered how normal it is to come from a dysfunctional family and be codependent. The codependency spreads because it makes children dysfunctional, leading them to enter dysfunctional relationships as adults, either as addicts or as their co-dependents. etc….”

In and around the same period (1986) the support group Codependent Anonymous (CODA) was created to help those impacted by codependence.  Per their website (http://www.codependents.org), “Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationship.  The only requirement is a desire for healthy and loving relationship.” CODA’s website has a lot of information including sections on patterns and characteristics of codependence, support groups, the 12 steps and traditions, patterns of recovery, etc.. What I find particularly helpful is that CODA meetings are held quite frequently so if you are going through a particularly stressful period (as we are as parents when our son or daughter is struggling), given that the access to meetings is so frequent, you can attend (or try out) a meeting and quickly find yourself surrounded by others and not feel alone in your struggles. As a note, if a CODA meeting is not available in your area, an Al-Anon meeting is also helpful (See http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/).

Enmeshment

I found various definitions of enmeshment on line with the one I liked the best from a website dedicated to children with challenges (http://www.childrenwithchallenges.net/definitions/E.html).   Their definition is extensive and includes the impact of culture and developmental disabilities. As such, it begins to address family dynamics that may have been or may be present . The definition states that enmeshment is:

“a term describing a pattern of family relating characterized by strong allegiance and closeness, few or extremely permeable hierarchies and boundaries, and little individual autonomy. Often such a pattern of relating has strong ethnic and cultural origins. When culturally determined, this pattern is less often pathological. When a family is enmeshed to protect itself from psychological pain, that family can become extremely toxic and pathological.

Often a family member must become symptomatic in order to prompt the family to secure help and enable the opportunity to grow. Families who have children with developmental disabilities often develop enmeshed patterns as a way of protecting the child and themselves from hurt. This protection can become a stranglehold, with neither the child nor the family able to mature.”

I found this particularly definition helpful because I believed that most families didn’t set out to create the chaos that sometimes has become of their lives. Rather, due to a variety of circumstances including lack of knowledge, behavior patterns can be repeated generation after generation.  As such, I consider it important to learn and to work on creating a new healthier family system.

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I hope this information is of use to you. As always, should anyone have any comments/information please feel free to comment.