Responding to Family & Friends Questions

As our family struggled, family/friends and others offered their support.  Sometimes we readily accepted this support, sometimes we didn’t.  At times,  our friends and family asked questions we didn’t know how to address as we were still educating ourselves and, frankly, at times we were just simply overwhelmed.  For all of these reasons, I really appreciated finding that the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA – www.nationaleatingdisorder.org) had provided guidance on how to answer questions in their Parent’s Handbook (see http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/uploads/file/toolkits/NEDA-TKP-A07-AdviceFromOtherParents3-10-09.pdf ).

Given that NEDA’s primary focus is eating disorders and many of our families are struggling with other issues (e.g. impact of trauma, depression, addictions, etc.),  I have adapted some of their questions and answers and have made these more applicable to a broader group of parents.    You will find my adaptation below.  Please use these as guidelines and adapt to your own family and environment.

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Suggestions on Responding to Family & Friends Questions

 How are you coping with this?

Thank you for asking.  It’s been very draining and very stressful on our entire family.  We have really appreciated the understanding and support coming from friends.

 What can I do to help?

Thanks very much for asking.  Life has been very draining lately just trying to make sure my son/daughter is getting the care he/she needs.  It leaves little time for the mundane.  I keep my “to-do” list handy. (Pull out your list.)  I could use help with (assign a task with a date and time that it’s needed), can you help with this?

 Why aren’t you letting me help you?   

Our son/daughter’s illness is serious (dangerous, etc.) and I’m relying on professional help to treat his/her condition. The help I need from family and friends is your continued support and ongoing friendship. I appreciate your asking.  If I think of something our family needs that you can do for us, I’ll let you know.

 Can I give you some advice?

I appreciate your thoughtfulness and desire to help and it’s good to know I have your support but right now, I’d really prefer to rely on the advice of our care team.  Frankly, we are getting lots of input from lots of directions and it’s really a little overwhelming.  Thanks for caring.

 Why did he/she tell a (teacher, coach, nurse, counselor, etc.) first?

Kids often are hesitant to tell their parents something they feel really bad about.  We’re happy and relieved that he/she at least told someone who then told us so we can get him/her the care he/she needs.

 What are you doing to help your son/daughter?

We’re listening to our son/daughter, educating ourselves about our son/daughter’s issues, and getting the best, most comprehensive care possible to address all the aspects of a really complex illness.  It’s exhausting.

 Why didn’t you do anything sooner? 

(for eating disorders)  The scariest thing about eating disorders is how secretive they are and how well a person can hide the condition. Hindsight is 20/20.  Had we known the signs and symptoms back then that we know now, we might have suspected it sooner and would have sought help right away. Even then, the person has to be willing to accept treatment after the initial medical crisis is over-and the nature of the illness makes that hard.

 (if you suspected addiction)  Frankly, we suspected but weren’t sure so we hadn’t acted yet.   Had we known what we know now we would have gotten help right away.

(if you had been trying to get support locally)  Frankly, we’ve been addressing this with a local care team and we were hoping this would be enough to support for him/her.   Unfortunately, this hasn’t proved to be sufficient, so we have been working with our professional care team to determine the best way to treat his/her condition.

 Is he/she going to have to be hospitalized?  

(for eating disorders)  That depends on the progress he/she makes as an outpatient. We’ll just have to see how it goes. Hospitalization is sometimes necessary with this illness because of the serious medical consequences it can have.

 (for depression) That depends on how he/she is doing as an outpatient.  In some cases, temporary hospitalization is necessary for their safety.

 How long will he/she be in treatment?

Everyone’s treatment process and progress is different. It could be months; it could be X.   (You can be specific based on what your son/daughters professional assessment).

 How long will he/she be in recovery?

Timetables can’t be put on recovery as every person progresses at his/ her own speed.

 Will he/she be cured after treatment? 

(for eating disorders) We’re hopeful for a full recovery over time. It can be a very long haul.  Getting the right treatment makes a difference and that’s a significant part of what we’re trying to accomplish.

 Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?

Frankly, our focus initially has been on educating ourselves and getting our son/daughter the best care. We weren’t even sure it would be helpful to share with others.  Now that we’re more (comfortable, educated, etc.) we’ve decided that now is the right time for us to share this with friends and family.

 Why can’t you stop this destructive behavior?

Recovery is ultimately up to the patient. The care team and all of us in the family are doing everything we can to give her/him the care and support needed for recovery.  But no one can force or speed up treatment and recovery.

 Can I go with you to the support group?

The response depends on the context: If the person is not close to the family or patient, it may be inappropriate to attend a support group. In that case, here is a response:

The support group is intended for people who are closest to the situation.  If you want to learn more about (depression, etc.) that’s terrific. Community information seminars are given locally sometimes on (depression, etc.) and that might be a more comfortable setting-these are often offered through local hospital outreach programs or advocacy groups.   

 Why are you going to family therapy?

We’re hoping to better understand the problem, our role in the recovery process, how best to encourage and support our son/daughter, and how to help manage the symptoms.

 How much school is your son/daughter going to miss?

If the family is currently in crisis mode - That isn’t entirely clear right now, but based on the treatment team’s recommendation for the near term, here is what we know:  XXX

 Is your son/daughter on any medications that I should be aware of?  What are the side effects I should be looking out for?

The school, coaches, and anyone your son/daughter spends significant time with should be given this information in case of an adverse event.   Be prepared with copies of a sheet that summarizes medication names, dosing regimen, and the prescribing physician’s contact information.