As I mentioned in May in the update to the page Our Story, last year my daughter and I became affiliated with a grass-roots not-for-profit organization called The Sky’s the Limit Fund whose mission is to transform the lives of at-risk youth by providing financial grants, support, and hope through wilderness therapy programs and beyond.   Now members of the Board, we are proud to support The Sky’s the Limit Fund’s growth.   Should you know of a family needing financial assistance to help their struggling teen or young adult, please refer them to their website ( http://www.skysthelimitfund.org/).  Although the support funds are limited at this time, it is a possible resource to look at.

With this said the fund grows by donations from people like you and me and the more donations that the Sky’s the Limit Fund receives, the more struggling teens and young adults the fund will be able to support.  If you can help a little or a lot, please go to the Sky’s the Limit Fund website – your donation would be appreciated by families in need.   Please be aware that they are a 501c3 and, as such, your contribution will be tax-deductible.

 

Mother’s Day can be a tough day for a parent with a struggling teen.  Your son or daughter may or may not be with you today.  They may be away at a therapeutic boarding school, a wilderness program, or your son or daughter may just be unable to be present with you, either physically or emotionally, for a variety of reasons.

My wish for you for today is that, regardless of your present circumstances, you take a moment and acknowledge yourself and reflect on what you’ve done right as a mother, even if privately.  For today- acknowledge yourself for the times that you changed a diaper in the middle of the night, cleaned a bruised knee, cooked your daughter or son’s favorite meal, read your child their favorite book, etc.. and do this whether or not there’s someone with you today that remembers these things.   I say this, because I believe we did these things for our children out of love, not out of expectation.

With this said, I leave you today with a quote from Kahlil Gibran

“Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.”

With love,

“The meaning of things lies not in the things themselves, but in our attitude towards them.”  - Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Have you noticed how a shift in attitude can make a difference in our lives?  During dinner with a friend earlier this week, how our attitude can impact our relationships came up.  Our specific conversation was about how changing our attitude at work can transform our work environment from a miserable place to go to each day, to a place where you feel more empowered and positive about.  I believe that this shift in attitude can also help our struggling families grow more understanding.

What do I mean?  Basically, we all come from different backgrounds and bring with us different life experiences.  Whether your family is a single parent household or a two parent household, is Southern Baptist or Jewish, is fifth generation American or just recently immigrated to the US, etc., our history and our current environment influence our families.   For example, my youngest daughter was born into a home where I, her mother, came from a Latin American family with specific family values.   In addition, I was also shaped by spending  part of my youth in a third world country where electricity and running water were not always available, and later in my young adult years, working my way through college.   So when my youngest daughter seemed to take for granted what we had, I was heartbroken and angry and spent a lot of time trying to get her to see things my way.   When I finally stopped and realized that her life experience was different than mine, I was able to begin to see things from her vantage point.   In my opinion, this shift in attitude on my part, opened up our ability to have a more sincere conversation and better understand and respect each other.

In your relationship(s) with your struggling teen or the rest of your family, is there any place where you may benefit from reexamining how you are looking at things?   If so, you may find that this self examination may shift your relationship(s) and possibly bring you greater peace of mind.

As always, I hope this is of service.

Several months ago, I published a Self Care post titled Dealing with Criticism.  This blog was based on an article titled 10 Tips for Coping with Criticism written by Patricia Spadaro.  Since I enjoyed this piece so much, I contacted Patricia Spadaro and asked if I could publish her complete article on this blog.  She has kindly agreed to this and, as such, you will find her complete article below.

My request is that as parents of struggling teens, you reflect on these tips as they apply to your specific circumstance(s).  As an example, Tip # 1 Assess Criticism and Who Its Coming From, will be key in dealing with a struggling teen and its impact.  Whether it be our son or daughter who criticizes us, or our parents, friends, etc. opinions and criticism can and most likely will abound.  It will be important to step back to reflect on what has been said clearly; it will be important to understand the source of the criticism and where the source is coming from (e.g. black and white thinking – only one way is the right way, etc.); and it will be important to understand that, if you were like me, you may, in fact, be overly sensitive to criticism without even realizing it.

As always, I hope this of service.  A special thanks to Patricia for allowing me to post her work here.

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10 Tips for Coping with Criticism

Healthy and empowering ways to meet insults and criticism gracefully and appropriately.

By Patricia Spadaro

www.HowToHonorYourself.com

We all get hit by life’s slings and arrows from time to time. They can come from a resident critic—a family member, friend, or co-worker who always finds something wrong—or as the occasional put-down that catches you by surprise. What do you do when an insult is hurled your way, privately or publically? Do you pretend you didn’t hear it or hurl an insult right back? Do you internalize it or get angry and lash

You may not be able to stop someone’s nasty words or careless actions, but you can change how you deal with those barbs. They don’t have to take you down or tempt you to retaliate. Try these 10 healthy and empowering tips to meet insults and criticism gracefully and

Tip #1: Assess Criticism and Who It Is Coming From
It’s important to get an accurate read on a situation to decide the best way to respond. There’s a big difference between constructive criticism from someone who loves you and getting bashed by someone who steals the stage to discredit you. You’ll need to get some objectivity before deciding whether it’s right to speak up or let it

Try this: Pull away from the situation and look at it without ego, as if you were observing someone else’s life.  Is it possible you are being overly sensitive, or has someone treated you like a doormat without good reason?  A clear sense of which it is will help you find the best

Tip #2: Acknowledge Your Feelings

Pressure can build up when you don’t acknowledge what’s bothering you. When someone hurts you, especially someone close to you, you may stuff your feelings below the surface to avoid a confrontation. But your feelings are a key part of your internal guidance system—they warn you when something is wrong. By ignoring feelings, you create a larger problem to deal with later. By accepting the messages they bring, you’ll be able to deal more effectively with issues from the

Try this: Rather than slamming a lid over your emotions, notice them as they arise–without judging yourself or blaming others for making you upset. Ask yourself: If my feelings could talk right now, what would they say? What is this feeling asking me to do? What new choices can I make to help me feel at peace about this

Tip #3: Draw Clear Boundaries with Big Critics

You get to choose who and what you will tolerate in your life. If you are in a personal or working relationship with someone who tries to whittle away your self-esteem by constantly judging and belittling you, you owe it to yourself to create boundaries and to tell that person how you feel when that happens.  It’s important for your well-being to remove yourself from that toxic energy. It can weigh you down, stunt your creativity, and make you feel depressed or

Try this: Decide on a specific action you will take if the judger in your life continues to bombard you with criticism. Clearly, lovingly, and firmly tell him or her what you will do if it happens again. For example, you may decide to leave the room, politely excuse yourself from the phone call, or, if it’s serious enough, end the relationship altogether. Be sure to follow through and take that action. When you honor yourself, you are training other people to honor

Tip #4: Look for the Nugget of Truth

The people in our lives—at home, at work, or in line at the grocery store—are often our mirrors. They reflect back the impact of our words and actions. Another’s words, though harsh or spiteful, can awaken us to an aspect of our own behavior we have refused to own up to. Although criticism can be hard to take, you can benefit from it by looking for the nugget of truth embedded in a painful

Try this: Instead of overreacting to criticism and going on the attack, summon the courage to ask yourself: Does this criticism include the tiniest morsel of truth about me that I can learn from? Then ask yourself (and even the person who criticized you) how you can do better. That missing piece of information may very well be the key to your next spiritual and emotional growth

Tip #5: Correct Lies and Statements That Sabotage

When someone spreads dangerous rumors or lies that jeopardize your job or an important relationship, you can’t ignore it. This is not the time to chatter behind closed doors with friends or wring your hands with worry. This is a time for positive action. Don’t blame or shame the judgers by calling them names. Instead, focus on finding resolution by clearing inaccuracies in the sabotaging statements. There may be real misunderstandings that you now have the opportunity to clear up with facts. For example, actress Jane Fonda started her own blog to address the many rumors that swirl around

Try this: To get clarity, take some deep breaths and pull out of a piece of paper. On one side, write down the false statement. On the other side, write down the truth as you see it. Ask to meet in person with those who have the misunderstanding and calmly explain how you feel and what the facts really are. If necessary, also put the correction in writing and send it to those involved. Even if others don’t accept the truth, you have stood up for yourself and can move

Tip #6: Problem Solve from the Heart

The world’s sages teach that a quiet heart can lead us to the best solutions to any issue. When you are facing the knotty problem of how to deal with someone’s unkindness or sharp criticism, you’ll handle the situation better by moving into your heart. Don’t impulsively shoot from the hip (or the mouth). Pick your favorite technique for centering before making a

Try this: Get out of your head and relax heated emotions by centering in your heart. Simply close your eyes and breathe deeply, then see and feel a flame burning brightly in your heart. Or take a few moments to recall an experience that makes you feel happy or grateful. Once you feel a real sense of joy or peace, turn back to the issue at hand. Ask yourself: “What is the best way for me to resolve this issue? What is my next step?” Then listen for the answer that

Tip #7: Stay on Target

When an immature insult comes flying at you, rather than playing the role of victim and seeing yourself as the target, stay on target. Don’t let criticism and insults distract you from your goals and life purpose. There’s a saying that “no good deed goes unpunished.” Taking a stand or breaking out of conventional ways to express your authentic voice may well draw fire from the jealous and competitive. Consider it background noise and don’t let it distract

Try this: Deal appropriately with damaging criticism, but don’t allow every petty and insignificant critic to pull you off track. Not every snide comment demands a response. Set your intention and keep focused on what’s important in your life so you can go on giving your gifts to

Tip #8: Open Your Heart and Reach Out to Others

Sometimes what’s directed at you is not about you at all. The person who is complaining may simply be struggling with an internal battle that is spilling over into your life. When people nag or grumble, they may actually be trying to tell you that they are hurting. Griping about the clothes on the floor, the dishes in the sink, or the project that is five minutes late may be code for “I need your support and attention. I need to feel valued and appreciated.

Try this: When others criticize and whine, instead of automatically striking back with “How could you say such a thing! What’s wrong with you?” pause and probe deeper. Gently ask: “Why are you hurting, and what can I do to help you?” Then be quiet and listen for the answers. Give the people you care about room to express themselves and allow the real issues to

Tip #9: Be Gracious but Firm in Public

A public embarrassment, whether it’s a put-down from a boss or co-worker at a meeting, a relative at a family function, or a heckler in the audience, may be uncomfortable, but it is an opportunity to walk your talk. Don’t criticize the critics, respond defensively, or pick a fight by hurling an angry or sarcastic comeback. That only makes you look like the offender and fuels the fire. Stay polite, calm, and in control. You’ll inspire others to have confidence in you by acting with self-

Try this: If someone has legitimate concerns but has voiced them in the wrong way at the wrong time, respond briefly and sincerely, offering to resolve the issue with them later. Smile and say something along the following lines to break the tension and help you meet awkward moments with grace and poise: “I see you have some concerns (or misunderstandings). I’d like to talk with you about that during the break” or “We all have a right to our own opinions—we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

Tip #10: Don’t Take It Personally

If you have taken to heart the previous suggestions and adjusted your behavior in an attempt to resolve an issue but are still dogged by an unrelenting critic, it’s probably time to move on. Unfortunately, some people criticize as a way of projecting their own issues onto others or taking the focus off their own inadequacies, and there is nothing you can do about it. Continually dwelling on their childish behavior or holding a grudge will only keep you

Try this: Instead of allowing your precious energy and attention to be sapped by naysayers, free yourself by forgiving, letting go, and moving on. Don’t speak about your critics with bitterness or blame. Treat them with respect, model the appropriate behavior yourself, and you might just spur a change of heart in them too.

Patricia Spadaro is the author of the book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving. To learn more about her book and get empowering tools to honor yourself, give your best to others, and create balanced, authentic living, visit her at HowToHonorYourself.

Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving is available now at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon.com and your favorite neighborhood and online bookseller.

Copyright 2009 © Patricia Spadaro.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”- Khalil Gibran

When you are the parent of a struggling teen, there is suffering/pain.  Whether it’s your teen that is suffering, your spouse, your other children, yourself, etc. all are impacted in some form or another.   Know that out of this pain, you will most likely change/grow and that this change will bring a new way of looking at life, your relationships, yourself.   Some of us will discover a strength we didn’t  know we had; some of us will have a deeper understanding of how we relate to ourselves and to others – it can sometimes feel as if blinders have been removed; others of us may find that our spirituality/faith grows; and yet others may find themselves being more compassionate, etc.   It is about this change and growth that this quote draws from.

As this change can be very difficult, my hope is that today you and your family are being supported in this transition and, that if you are not, that you seek the support needed as my personal belief is that we are not meant to do this alone.

I hope this quote and my writing reminds you that tomorrow will bring a new day.

Sincerely,

“Burdens are the foundation of ease and bitter things the forerunners of pleasure.”  Rumi

As parents of struggling teens, the weight on our shoulders sometimes feels overwhelming.  At least, at times it felt like that to me.  So when I heard this quote in today’s podcast by Marianne Williamson‘s on Oprah.com, I was intrigued.  To quote from within the podcast:

“…“If you assume that every single situation, every aspect of every situation, comes with a lesson, comes with an opportunity to be bigger than you were before, to be stronger than you were before, to be more compassionate than you were before, to be more excellent than you were before, then that means that even here lies the foundation of a better life.…

Viewed from these perspectives, even though your life may seem overwhelming today, your life will unfold and in time you will have created a better life.   My hope is that for now these thoughts help ease your days.

Should you wish to listen to the complete podcast, please go to http://www.oprah.com/media/20090605-miraclethought-marianne-williamson-discipline.

“Giving thanks for abundance is sweeter than the abundance itself.” – Rumi

No matter where your family is this week, I hope you take the time to reflect and give thanks for what it is that you do have.

“Your children are not your children.  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.  They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.” – Kahlil Gibran

I read Kahlil Gibran’s book The Prophet many years ago and was touched by the simplicity of much of what Kahlil Gibran wrote.  Now that my daughter is eighteen, I find that remembering that our children don’t belong to us makes her transition into adulthood easier for me.   My guess is that I am not alone in this and that any parent who has or has had a struggling teen turn eighteen could be helped by this quote.  In fact, as we head for the week of Thanksgiving, I humbly offer this quote to all parents as a reminder that all of our children are a gift and don’t belong to us.

With a struggling son or daughter, sometimes there is so much going on in our world that the last thing we think of is taking care of ourselves.   One simple practice that doesn’t take a long time but can help tremendously is the practice of gratitude.    You may wonder – why gratitude?   It turns out that research has shown, among many other things, that grateful people are less depressed, sleep better, have more positive ways of coping with difficult experiences, and are downright happier.

With this said, there are various ways to practice gratitude.  For purposes of this blog, I have selected a few practices that I hope will give you some ideas about how to support your emotional/spiritual self.

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Keep a gratefulness journal – At the end of each day, write down 5 things that you are grateful for.  This simple practice can have a powerful impact.  One day the things that you are grateful for may be:

• the friend who called and offered to support you and your family,
• the beautiful sunset you saw,
• the book you just finished reading,
• the homemade soup your neighbor brought over,  &
• spending some time alone.

Another day you may be thankful for:

• completing a work project you had been working on for months,
• the family therapy call that went well,
• your son saying I love you,
• the shoulder massage your wife gave you, &
• waking up in a warm, cozy room.

etc.  you can get a sense of how this is done.  If you can’t think of enough things to be grateful for, you may want to join an online community.  In my case, shortly after our daughter started the residential treatment program, by chance, I had been previously scheduled to attend an event where a Benedictine Monk spoke of the Gratitude as a way of living our lives.   This monk’s name is Brother David Steindl-Rast and his website is gratefulness.org.   This website is a resource that you may want to tap into.  He has also written several books on gratefulness that you may wish to consider reading.

Practice Naikan – Several years ago a friend of mine gave me a book called “Naikan – Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self Reflection“.  This book introduced me to the concept of Naikan which takes gratitude to another level by reflecting on the impact you have on others.

Per Wikipedia,

“Naikan practice is based on three questions:

• What have I received from (person x)?

• What have I given to (person x)?

• What troubles and difficulties have I caused to (person x)?

A related fourth question, “What troubles and difficulties has (person x) caused me”, is purposely ignored in Naikan. Naikan presupposes that we’re all naturally good at seeing answers to this fourth question, and that too much focus on this question is responsible for much of one’s misery in day-to-day life. ”

I feel the last point is appropriate as going through a family crisis can trigger, even in the most well meaning family, a focus on the difficulties that others are causing and, frankly, this won’t help.  If you find yourself  judging/blaming, etc. you may want to consider shifting your thinking and focusing on the three core questions – what have I received, what I have given, what difficulties have I caused another.   But be fair to yourself, don’t beat yourself up for having judged, etc..  Just use anything you learn with this practice as a way of improving who you are.

Naikan can be practiced in many ways (week long retreats, etc.) but a simple approach to start is take time at the end of each day to reflect on your day and maybe write your reflections down.

For more information on Naikan, one resource you can use is http://www.todoinstitute.org/.

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As always, I hope this is of service to you and your family.

“If the only prayer you say your entire life is ‘thank you’ that would suffice.” – Meister Eckhart

When your family is struggling, sometimes we forget what we have to be thankful for.  I would like to suggest that it may be even more important to reflect on what we have than what we don’t have, in fact, it may lead you to a journey of healing.